CHILDHOOD IN GUAM: Self-Esteem of a Chamorrita

Chamorrita

The term Chamorrita was first developed, as a signature of creating my blog. It is a combination of my ethnicity, having been raised in Guam as a Chamorro and East Los Angeles as a Mexican-American. As I grew up in both places at varying times, it was confusing for me in identifying myself, as an individual of both cultures. But as I matured in age, I viewed myself as bi-cultural, a person of two different cultural heritages.

Self-Esteem

Prior to the realization of my being bi-cultural, I grappled with my own identify and the development of my self-esteem. My self-esteem and how I felt about myself directly impacted my self-confidence. In essence I internalized others responses, as either a positive or a negative reaction and responded according, by my projection of either a heightened or lowered self-confidence level.

That self-confidence differed in the locals I lived in. When I lived in Guam, I perceived myself positively in the apparel I wore and also by the positive responses of others on my appearance. In Guam, I remember feeling radiant about fitting into a green-lacy dress my older sister (Rocelia) had outgrown. As I donned the dress, I remember twirling in a circular arc and feeling extremely beautiful. Another item, I also received from her was a bright yellow-bathing suit, with a gathering running down the front center of the suit. When I wore it to the beach, I felt like a glamorous starlet and even posed with a bent arm and hand on my waist, as I gazed into the camera with a large smile upon my face.

The opposite was experienced when we arrived from Guam and lived in East Los Angeles. My self-esteem plummeted and I viewed myself negatively, with a lowered self-confidence level because of other children’s name calling. As a child of nine in elementary school, I was thin in stature and the name ascribed by other children was a caricature of a cartoon image of “Olive Oyl.” from a cartoon program entitled “Popeye.” Later while studying prehistoric animals, children began to chant the name “Saber Tooth Tiger” because of my protruding-front teeth. In addition, my lips were considered large in comparison to others and the thus the name “big lips” was also noted. Later in middle school my self-esteem and thus my self-confidence plummeted even further. I felt awkward in my gangling appearance. Many times as I walked on the school yard passing other students, I felt self- conscious as if all eyes were upon me as I walked from one area to another.

Anxiety at School

Further lack of self-confidence was evident in school as I learned new concepts in various subjects. Rather than the excitement one experiences, whenever a new concept was introduced, I felt a sense of panic and anxiety. A feeling I distinctly remember beginning in preschool, when I took my first math test.

I remember that sense of paralysis when papers were passed out for the math exam. Sitting at the desk I felt anxious in attempts to figure out the correct answers to math equations. I envisioned myself sitting and not being able to compute the math figures and eventually resorted in praying to God. My prayer consisted of His providing the correct answer, as I went down the list of math problems. In my naivete, I equated both my prayer and His answer to prayer, as paramount in passing the exam. Alas that was my first “reality check” with God in unanswered prayer, during the exam. In retrospect as an adult, realizing that this supernatural intervention was accessible only through my efforts and His presence, as I learned new and varying concepts in math and in different subjects.

Later unbeknownst to me, when we returned from Guam to East Los Angeles, a school official had me skip one grade to another--first to the second grade. They further requested my advancement to the third grade, but my mother did not relent to the advancement, because she felt I was “too young” to be placed with older children.

Also my self-confidence increased by my taking an aptitude test in college, in which I scored above the 90% percentile in English. Alas due to my insecurity in math, I scored much lower in my math aptitude, which shall go unrecorded. Had I the knowledge about the need to “practice, practice and more practice” my excitement in learning new concepts would have differed, from one of anxiety to excitement in learning. This was even more evident in the math courses I was required to take in college. As I completed assignments, I practiced multiple times in reviewing the concepts, which helped to increase my self-confidence level in math and other subjects.

Today those feelings have somewhat disappeared because of a heightened self-esteem. Rather than my previous focus on my external-physical appearance and perception of others, my focus is on the internal. Thus my self-confidence level has increased because of my focus on my positive attributes. Those attributes are on my ability to engage in self-care activities and thus encourage others to similarly focus on their own needs. I can in all honesty say, “I am special” and thus am able to like myself today.

As of late, my self-confidence has continued to develop in my ability to write various papers. This became more evident recently, as I wrote multiple articles for my website (drmflores.com) on the COVID Quarantine, also on this blog site (chamorrita.me) on my childhood in Guam and lifestyle. The later website articles (7 in total) were written with the intent of helping people during this period of the Quarantine, with the blog articles (9) written specifically for family members, as a historical legacy to my childhood and later adulthood.

Summary

In retrospect, the psychological development of my self-esteem was based on other children’s perception of me. As a child, I internalized their thoughts of how I negatively felt about myself. Later as I matured psychologically, I had the realization that others perceptions were secondary. How I perceived myself was paramount in my own internal projection, as self-confident and a contributing individual of society.

More recently, that confidence has been exhibited in the articles I’ve written and continue to write. My goal in that writing is to seek other professional therapists, working with minorities to get insight in their clinical practice with people of color. Hopefully this will contribute to others understanding, in this often overlooked group of individuals.